Fiendish Fables from France

I know I promised tales from a Miami law-firm, but I've decided to post one from my trip to France first.

"Eric is nearly Deported from France"

According to the excellent intelligence services of France, I am a Jehovah's Witness. Mind you, I was raised Presbyterian, but this is France we're talking about, so I'm clearly wrong. Several summers ago I traveled to France as part of a church-funded work group, to help repair an aging chateau in southern France. After a long plane flight where I was continually offered "caffey" and "tey" by chain-smoking french stewardesses, I arrived in france full of anticipation and eager to perform service in that beautiful country. Our plane landed in Paris, so a short connecting flight was required to arrive at our destination, Toulouse. As you can imagine, the stress 12 hours of solid combat with stewardesses determined to give me "caffey" and "tey", had taken a toll upon my nerves, and I was eagerly awaiting the first opportunity to pass out.
It was not to be. No sooner than our hosts had picked us up in rented vans, they informed us to "keep our heads down" so we would not be seen. Tired as I was, I convinced myself that this was some sort of local custom. Indeed, Detroit has many of the same customs, which aid in one's personal safety. Eventually we arrived at our chateau and were instructed to "hide" inside. Some of the more rash members of our group asked why we were entering France in secrecy, and who it was we were being kept secret from. Our host, a courageous gentleman, replied that the Gendarmerie had discovered we were Jehovah's Witnesses, and were determined to question us, and possibly deport us.
Ah.
Truth be told, I was less amazed by the French's speed in declaring us JWs, than by the speed our hosts adapted to the new situation, by shipping us back into town to eat crepes for 8 hours. I like crepes, but I like sleep also, and I was now overstocked in crepes and backordered for sleep. Our crepe tolerance was quickly reached, and the group made inquiries of our leader as to what to do next.
"Flee to Switzerland" was the response.
Fantastic. We're fleeing to the neutral arms of the Swiss because the French have declared us to be JWs as soon as we set foot in the country. Naturally, we began to question our hosts as to why the government was pursuing us, since they had been avoiding eye contact for severally hours.
"They searched the Chateau. They found a calendar." They replied. "It had the word 'Jehovah' in it." This is a brilliant example of why the French are not easily defeated. They have a stellar intelligence community.
Very well, off to Switzerland, a real country.
We employed extreme stealth in our departure, namely we bought train tickets and left. It was a beautiful journey, marred only by the mind-numbing stench of the french. Not all french smell, but the ones that do make up for the civilized ones. This one middle-aged gentleman insisted on pacing the train with his arms upraised like Charlton Heston as Moses, while radiating pure horror in a 90-degree cone of destruction centered on each armpit. This man made me grateful that my eyes watered shut and I could take solace in the comforting taste of bile that arose when he drew near. The train journey lasted about 8 hours, but due to Einsteinian relativistic effects generated by armpit funk it seemed to take slightly longer.
On the Swiss side of the border, we gasped pure alpine air and stood in line for customs, where the agent refused to stamp our passports. He had no problem with letting us in the country, but he simply would NOT stamp our passports to prove we had done so. Insistence on our part simply made him threaten to send us back to France on the train with that man, who inexplicably remained on the train. Damn him. I hate Europe.